picture blog.

Don’t be fooled! Brian isn’t doing homework, he is on 2GN.org

There’s always something going on at UNLV.

Damn, we’re adorable.

This guy looked just like Justin Timberlake.

Ra-ta-ta! We’re weird!

Zis is my chip!

I CAN VOTE! WOO HOO! Go Obama!

R O C K in the USA.

growing with God.

I’ve been through many stages with God since I was a little girl. This is my story of my journey with God.

Growing up, I attended a Baptist church because my dad needed something to keep the kids away for a couple hours. The church was free so he took up the offer. I didn’t learn anything religious but it was cool knowing someone else did if they were willing to watch about 50 kids. There was a Catholic church way in the back of the town but it seemed like only two or three old people went. There was also a very small Episcopal church that virtually no one went to. It kind of seemed like it was just hangin’ out.

When my family moved to Las Vegas, everything felt all wrong. Every member of my family, including my dad, got into drugs and alcohol abuse. I saw my brother whom I was very close to as a child, rip away from me to the point where he wouldn’t even acknowledge that I was alive. I started growing up and realizing that my mom was never coming back, she’d abandoned me 8 years before when I was 2, and I still thought one day I’d see her walking down the sidewalk. We had a neighbor next to us who looked just like her…I don’t know how many nights I prayed it really was her. I decided that if all these bad things were to happen, there was no God. And with that, I became an Athiest. I became involved with everything my brother had been involved in, still desperately trying to show him that I was, in fact, alive. Nothing changed except for me, and I hated who I was.

As I grew a little older, I knew there had to be something out there. I wanted to know my purpose but I couldn’t understand. I read about God and I started to believe but I couldn’t fully grasp it, so I stayed an Agnostic until i could find more information.

My best friend from middle school, and a new friend from high school introduced me to being a Christian and I was very excited to learn. I became a member of the high school christian club, I read books and online zines, I was even given The Purpose Driven Life journal by my sister. Then the unthinkable happened: My grandpa died and it startled me. I became confused and scared and distraught. Now of course that’s normal but the best part was that I didn’t shy away from God. I took Him close because I was so afraid. I was able to get through it because I had faith in God that I would get through it.

When I moved to Henderson during my junior and senior year of high school. I lived in an area better known as Mormon Town, USA. Everyone was a Mormon and everyone was happy. I wanted that happiness. I’d lost my grandfather, my friends, everything… I was lost and alone and the church befriended me, so I got baptized. Shortly thereafter I started going to their morning talks and realizing that I had made a grave mistake. They baptized me after 2 weeks of “learning” but I had no clue what they were talking about. It seemed like they were just trying to get people to join instead of having a long learning process. It made no sense. I left the church and moved to Southern Highlands, a suburb of Las Vegas.

Before I moved completely, my boyfriend Brian, a devout Catholic introduced me to St. Francis of Assisi Catholic church. I knew I wanted to know God, and for real, not just so a church could up their numbers. I wanted to know my purpose in life. Brian told me they were having a class for adults called RCIA and it was starting in one day. We decided to go check it out and if we liked it, we’d stay and if not, we’d never come back. To my surprise, I LOVED it. It was amazing to see all the adults there, and though I was barely 18, I was an adult. This church of wonders brought me back to where I never believed it was possible. From August of 2007 to this very day, March 22, 2008 I have been attending St. Francis of Assisi, learning and understanding God and also the Catholic church. I’ve been to several Stations of the Cross liturgies (if that is the proper name) and I’ve been to the most wonderful and beautiful Holy Thursdays that ever existed. Knowing that I had a place in life was enough, but knowing that now I was able to join my husband to be, in the faith that has given him so much, and allowed him to give so much of himself, was more than I could have ever imagined.

Tonight I am getting baptized as a Christian, as a Catholic, and as a child of God. As I take this walk with familiar faces I will see myself in their eyes, and know that they too, are growing with God.

Sincerely, Tanya.

cornered.

jesus h. christ i hate my fucking job.

i was THIS close to screwing them over by not coming in today. in fact, i really didn’t do anything today. i prepped some stuff in the back, made a few sandwiches, burned my arm on the dumb ass bread cooler. isn’t that ironic?!

i want to quit so so sooooooo badly but i can’t because of school and church. if i didnt have church, i would have already quit, but its too hard finding a job when time is so limited.

if i had it my way i wouldn’t work anywhere around here. i want to be someplace where I can be happy. Like a daycare center or a children’s rec. center. Not making food for fat asses who can’t get off their cell phones for 20 seconds.

Its an understatement when i say how disappointed and depressed i’ve been because of the rude customers.  I know they shouldnt mean anything to me but the way they treat people is horrible and when it happens 5 times a day for 5 days straight, it takes a toll on your self-esteem. Everybody’s talking about how badly they want change when they can’t even fucking change themselves. Have a little courtesy and respect, I don’t think being a civil human being is too much to ask.

God forbid I dont kiss the ground you assholes walk on. Just because I am there to serve you lunch doesn’t make me your slave. Just because I have this shitty ass job doesn’t make me a low class citizen. I am an 18 year old college student barely scraping by. So fuck you!

*sigh*

I need a fucking VACATION

closed minds are smoking guns

After so long living with closed minded people surrounding you, its hard not to blog liberally. Hell, its hard not to blog politically either! The fact of the matter is that there are too many closed minded people in this world. I am Catholic but I am not going to put 100% of my beliefs into God unless I can put an equal 100% into science. Do I believe there is a God? Of course. Do I believe this outlaws any scientific fact? Absolutely not. In some instances both God and science have been proved correct or proved wrong. This is due to humans having a great need and desire for discovery and evolution.

On the other end of the spectrum, I get criticized for believing in my man cause he’s an Air Force Officer. He will not say no to his leader or his President no matter what the case, and I don’t give a shit if its Bush or not, unless it is just to do so by other means of authority. So people automatically think I support this war. And do I? When it comes down to it, I support it solely for my man. I believe that our so called leaders have run us into the ground and other countries look at us like we are a joke. How are we supposed to have allies in a time of war when they are all laughing at us or afraid they will be attacked themselves? We have dumb-ass Marines out there who kill puppies but just cause I support my guy, people think I support that…are you SHITTING ME?? You actually think I would support that? Give me a damn break. Those marines are the most retarded people I’ve ever met, and believe me I’ve met some retards.

But anyway, back to blogging..

Last year I became a vegetarian for a month. It was part of a project on my part, a life goal I guess you could call it. Well, after seeing that puppy video I decided to see what the animal rights groups were doing to stand up for the helpless puppy. So I logged on to peta.org which took me to peta2.com PETA is People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. It is a really awesome website. I know people look at PETA members like they are nuts but it is because they are either extremely closed minded, naive, or they’re hell bent on slapping down a beef patty from McDonald’s every night of their obese lives. I decided to become a full on vegetarian. This is for me, this is for the animals, this is for not shitting on the planet and being yet another closed minded citizen. I know everyone who knows me thinks I am completely off my rocker but I dont give two shits. It feels good to have been on both sides of the wall and to see the negative and positive effects of both. But now its time to move on, and make myself better, make the treatment of animals better, and join together with others in a union to make this world better.

Signing off: Mrs. Air Force

falling apart.

you know the saying, “we all grow up to be our parents.” well, i didnt think it would happen to me. i never grew up with a mother, i never had a good female role model in my life to teach me how to slow down and take things as they came. i had an over-stressed single father of five as my role model. finding work after the army was so hard for him and though he doesnt say it, sometimes you can just see it in his tired face how depressed he is. i’ve turned into my dad. i’ve become an over-stressed, look at everything negative and bitch about it kind of girl. the girl i never EVER wanted to be. i’ve flipped my world upside down and i have nobody to blame but myself.

and believe me, i do.

but now its gone too far. i lash out on people without even realize it, and often times i fail to see the positive aspects of a situation. i’m an 18 year old stuck in a 50 year old mindset and i’m taking it out on the one person who want the best for me.

brian and i have been together a year and 4 months to the day. we’ve been through hell and high water but managed to always get through it. it took tonights fight over my little nit picking bullshit to realize the hell and high water was me. i’ve driven him away from me to the point where he’s afraid to be himself. and i’ve been to prideful to ever take notice.

i guess everyone was right when they told me i was selfish. a selfish, thoughtless little bitch, i believe thats what they said.
and i always thought they were just being mean or spiteful until i took a look in the mirror.

in order to change you have to see things from another person’s perspective, and tonight brian showed me his. i realized that i’ve focused so much on the negativity in my life that i have forgotten about the positives. brian is my positive.

the truth is, i am depressed. but i’m depressed because i make myself depressed. we all do sometimes. the only thing you can do is suck it up and grab life by the balls. so my goal now is to stop focusing on negativity and surround myself with positives.

i know i dont want to lose brian. he’s the best thing that ever happened to me and the only person who ever took the time to find out who i was. if i lose him, i lose everything.

and then nothing else will matter.

fragmentation.

I’ve dealt with a lot of things in my life. Its been a long road to walk on and I’m not sure if I made all the right turns. I know I’ve tried to do what was right and be as good of a person as I could have been. I also know that I’ve fallen short of that a few times too many. I know that at times, I am not a good person, or at least what I define to be good. I know I can lose my temper a lot and I get that from my dad. A part of me wishes I could erase my past and all those who were wronged by the things I did, but I don’t know if I’d be the same person I am today. The point is, I dont want to hurt anyone anymore. I dont want people to regret knowing me or ever caring in the slightest for me. I don’t want to be on my death bed knowing that somewhere out there, someone thinks I’m horrible. I am scared to death that I won’t be able to measure up.

I found my soul mate and I am slowly pushing us apart. I do the stupidest things sometimes and I start fights over little things. Honestly, sometimes I feel like he deserves so much more than I have. Or if I have it, I don’t know how to give my all to him in a way that doesnt come out wrong. I feel like I am a burden on so many people’s lives….I am devastated at the way I’ve been acting. He deserves someone who can love him the way he should be loved. I don’t feel like I’m doing a good enough job. But god, I love that guy more than anything or anyone could ever know. I know in my heart I can give him every ounce of love and feeling in my body. I just need to learn how to do it right.

I can’t go on like this…my life needs a major change. My attitude needs a major change. I need an emotional rehab before my next screw up is my last.

escape artist.

You never know what you have until its gone. This is true for every aspect in life. When your car runs out of gas and your stranded in the desert. When your dad gives you away on your wedding day and you don’t have the luxury of giving him a hug when you’re 3,000 miles away. When you lose someone you love and realize how big of a mistake it was letting them go. But then…then you get the stranger passing by who pulls you along, your dad’s friendly voice over the phone on his day off, your true love meeting up with you to talk and ending up rekindling the old flame.

So many things in life we take for granted without ever taking a second glance. The purest sunset after days of pouring rain. The snow flakes that fall upon the nose of your daughter or niece. A hard working husband or wife who comes home with a smile on their face, even after the hardest days of their lives.

I am convinced that there is more to life than what we know. I am convinced that there is so much that we have yet to discover. I am convinced that it is not all up to us, and that God plays a part. But I am also convinced that science has a lot more in store for us than it gets credit for.

Did you ever find a song or musician who just changed your life? Tonight I listened to Greg Laswell. My life has changed.

the fact that i am jealous.

is this totally normal of me to be jealous of girls that talk to Brian? i swear i dont know why i am so goddamn jealous but i am. i dont want to be that jealous gf who is always making stupid ass accusations. believe me, i’ve seen bitches who didnt trust their man with going to the grocery store by himself.

*sigh*

he just means…everything to me. i’d be devastated if i lost him and i hate thinking their is or will ever be a possibility. he told me he’d only leave if i pushed him away not because of another girl but i heard that shit before. not that my so called “relationship” with the other guy meant much to me because he fucked me over before i ever got the chance to give a shit. but still, promises were made and they were bullshit. but Brian is different – and i’m not just saying something cliche. i speak the truth. he really is different, and i have faith in him. i trust him, i dont trust the girls.

i get sick to my stomach thinking about those other girls. fuck! i mean brian is gorgeous, he’s smart and sweet, he is a very talented officer to be, and who am i? not much.

i know i should have confidence in myself but when i see these pretty girls vying for his attention i just want to rip their heads off and make them ugly.

fuck, i have issues.

:[ help.

fuck you paypal

fuck! i hate paypal soooo much right now. they fucked me so bad! the other day i made a purchase and changed my debit card to my credit card. they never changed it which caused me to be negative $150. This means that I had to not only pay for the $150 for the item, but another $150 plus interest out of my credit card.

when they fuck you they sure know how to fuck you.

looks like my next 3 checks are going to the bank. great!

well fuck you too.

god damn if there isnt anything that pisses me off more, its telling me or telling brian that we need to stop spending time with each other. you jealous little shits! just because we’d rather spend time together than going to some shitty get together that we know for a fact will suck balls doesnt give you the right to be saying shit like “less girlfriend, more ____.” dont fucking tell us what we need to do. it truly saddens me to see how low some will go to make their own lives feel superior. its not my fault you dont have a soul mate and if you do then maybe you should take the example from us. we’ve been together and stuck together through EVERYTHING. some of you still hold opinions because of the things that happened between Brian and I in the past and you need to get over it. Why not try SUPPORTING him instead of telling him to alienate me. And FYI, I am always telling him that he should go spend time with his friends and I will NEVER stop him when he says he wants to go. He decides what he wants to do ON HIS OWN and I encourage it. You know who you are and you need to really stop trying to burn me at the proverbial stake. Its old, its sad, and its immature.