When I was a little girl, the only reason I went to church was because it was free for my dad to leave us somewhere for 4 hours. It was a southern Baptist church but nobody was really religious. My Mormon friend Geri, well, her family was strict. They were the only LDS family in town, but all I knew about them was that they couldn’t play on Sundays and they couldn’t eat ham or some shit. Anyway, so thats how I grew up, not giving a damn about religion. As I became a teenager I kind of fled the religious scene. I didn’t believe I needed a “God” to worship to and I didn’t need anyone telling me how to live my life. In my eyes, I was my own God and I didn’t give a shit what anyone thought. I was a rebel, pot smoking, drinking, athiest hippy who sat in my room listening to anti-government music and seeing which of my friends would let me spray cologne on them and light them on fire. Who needed God when you had punk rock and weed?
Eh, I did. I guess. I moved to Henderson, Nevada which was full o’ Mormons and they pulled me in like ugly magnets to a refrigerator. I cheated my way through the baptism pretending I understood all that bullshit about Joseph Smith when in reality I just wanted to get these people to stop talking to me. Less than 1 year after being “baptized” I left the church. They’re nice people, but they’re not very sane.
So here I am now, needing a God more than ever, becoming a Catholic and not rushing it so I understand it. But that rebellious part of me still believes that maybe God doesnt exist. The reason I say this is because of all the shit thats happened. I lost my mother when I was two years old, my grandfather died horribly fucking screaming in the hospital, I’ve managed to fuck up lives I never believed I would and its just….you know…am I paying for it all God? Am I being punished for some shit that I did when I was younger? Why, if there is a God out there who loves me as His child, why would he want me to hurt like I do? Thats some fucked up shit.
Or maybe everything happens for a reason and the good will come later.
In any case, I haven’t given up yet, I don’t intend to either god dammit.
<3
