I’ve dealt with a lot of things in my life. Its been a long road to walk on and I’m not sure if I made all the right turns. I know I’ve tried to do what was right and be as good of a person as I could have been. I also know that I’ve fallen short of that a few times too many. I know that at times, I am not a good person, or at least what I define to be good. I know I can lose my temper a lot and I get that from my dad. A part of me wishes I could erase my past and all those who were wronged by the things I did, but I don’t know if I’d be the same person I am today. The point is, I dont want to hurt anyone anymore. I dont want people to regret knowing me or ever caring in the slightest for me. I don’t want to be on my death bed knowing that somewhere out there, someone thinks I’m horrible. I am scared to death that I won’t be able to measure up.
I found my soul mate and I am slowly pushing us apart. I do the stupidest things sometimes and I start fights over little things. Honestly, sometimes I feel like he deserves so much more than I have. Or if I have it, I don’t know how to give my all to him in a way that doesnt come out wrong. I feel like I am a burden on so many people’s lives….I am devastated at the way I’ve been acting. He deserves someone who can love him the way he should be loved. I don’t feel like I’m doing a good enough job. But god, I love that guy more than anything or anyone could ever know. I know in my heart I can give him every ounce of love and feeling in my body. I just need to learn how to do it right.
I can’t go on like this…my life needs a major change. My attitude needs a major change. I need an emotional rehab before my next screw up is my last.
