you know the saying, “we all grow up to be our parents.” well, i didnt think it would happen to me. i never grew up with a mother, i never had a good female role model in my life to teach me how to slow down and take things as they came. i had an over-stressed single father of five as my role model. finding work after the army was so hard for him and though he doesnt say it, sometimes you can just see it in his tired face how depressed he is. i’ve turned into my dad. i’ve become an over-stressed, look at everything negative and bitch about it kind of girl. the girl i never EVER wanted to be. i’ve flipped my world upside down and i have nobody to blame but myself.
and believe me, i do.
but now its gone too far. i lash out on people without even realize it, and often times i fail to see the positive aspects of a situation. i’m an 18 year old stuck in a 50 year old mindset and i’m taking it out on the one person who want the best for me.
brian and i have been together a year and 4 months to the day. we’ve been through hell and high water but managed to always get through it. it took tonights fight over my little nit picking bullshit to realize the hell and high water was me. i’ve driven him away from me to the point where he’s afraid to be himself. and i’ve been to prideful to ever take notice.
i guess everyone was right when they told me i was selfish. a selfish, thoughtless little bitch, i believe thats what they said.
and i always thought they were just being mean or spiteful until i took a look in the mirror.
in order to change you have to see things from another person’s perspective, and tonight brian showed me his. i realized that i’ve focused so much on the negativity in my life that i have forgotten about the positives. brian is my positive.
the truth is, i am depressed. but i’m depressed because i make myself depressed. we all do sometimes. the only thing you can do is suck it up and grab life by the balls. so my goal now is to stop focusing on negativity and surround myself with positives.
i know i dont want to lose brian. he’s the best thing that ever happened to me and the only person who ever took the time to find out who i was. if i lose him, i lose everything.
and then nothing else will matter.
