don’t you feed me lies about your idealistic future.

I am so angry right now. My dad keeps threatening to kick me out and I’m pissed off. I am doing everything I can so that I don’t end up a fuck up like the other 4 and yet he sees right through it. Its like all my efforts are fucking TRANSPARENT. I’m so sick of trying to live up to his standards and impress him. I’m not going to college for him, I’m going to get away from all of them. I’m going so that I can get a REAL job and not be living paycheck to paycheck worrying about whether or not I can feed my kids. In 3 years Brian and I will be out of this shit hole city and away from all this pointless drama. If he kicks me out, I’ll pull out loans and go live in the dorms. I’m almost 19 years old. I don’t need to be fucking threatened by a dude in his mid life crisis. I hate sounding high and mighty, but goddammit! Its not fair that he treats me like this, yet he has pride and joy for his daughter who lives in the projects and is still fucking the guy who tied and bound her with duct tape and held a god damn gun to her. He’s proud of his other 2 that couldn’t even muster up the balls to graduate high school. I’m sorry but a GED isn’t good enough. A GED only says to me that you gave up and couldn’t handle a few simple tests here or there. Or god forbid STUDYING. Fuck you! I’m not going to take this shit anymore. I’ve held it in for too long and tried so damn hard to be nice and I’m physically and mentally tired and over it.

Once I’m gone, they’ll all see. As far as I see it, I’m the only one with a certain future. I know my kids won’t starve to death and I know I’ll have a happy marriage and I KNOW that I made it through on my own without any of their help and support and believe me, when I write my book of memoirs, their names won’t show up.

at a loss.

So Kate has left for boot camp and I haven’t heard from her yet. She said it would be a couple weeks before she got to write since its a privilege and all. We had a heart to heart as soon as she got back from Washington and now I’m scared I may never see her again. Quinton has been gone for so long. I’m proud of him though. It takes a lot of guts to go and enlist the way those two did. I’m proud of them both. But at the same time, I’m completely frightened. Everyone knows how horrific this war has become….will it get better or will it get worse?? Hopefully with Bush getting out of office this country and this world will start to see some change. Its pretty scary when you’ve got it in the back of your head that your friends and family could become POWs, or be missing in action or even die out there. I know I’m probably being irrational but I am so afraid I will never seem them again. Maybe I’m being too negative. After all, they chose to defend their country, and I should be happy for them. They took an oath to do whatever they had to.

Nobody understands why I have so much hate in my heart for George Bush. I don’t see how people can defend his actions. He’s single-handedly murdered someone’s brother, sister, aunt, uncle, cousin, son, daughter, mom and dad. He promised a plan of change and his plan was never fully thought out. They ask me how I can hate the leader of my country and its simple…think about all those little girls and boys who no longer have a mommy or daddy. Think about all those husbands and wives who no longer have their love to hold on to at night. Think about all the soldiers who come home with post-traumatic stress disorder and end up killing themselves because of the horrific things they’ve seen. Think of all the innocent people and villages in Iraq and Afghanistan that have suffered because of his so called “plan” and then you tell me why you still even consider LIKING the guy.

I don’t know what else I can say…I just pray that whoever goes out there can come home safe. I just pray that they know how much we miss them and love them…and how much we’re fighting for them back home.

There WILL be change. It starts with the end of Bush.

hey, look at me not giving a shit!

There are some people in this world who will knock you down and kick you repeatedly. Its sad and its shameful but you have to realize that they won’t ever give a shit. Apology or not, they will always be who they are, closed minded and unnaccepting. So lets just forget it, move on, and be the better person. Fuck it!

Brian and I have been together for 1 year and 3 months almost. It has been a tough, but joyful time. We’ve endured a lot and have overcome a lot as well. I can honestly say that I’ve never been happier!!! Its so weird growing up. One day you’re crying over a crush who just broke your heart, and the next day you’re head over heels for somebody else. It becomes an endless, immature cycle until you decide to take control of your own heart.

I used to be a very bitter person. I didn’t let anyone in my heart because I refused to let them control it. I’ve dealt with guys who were unappreciative, mean, and neglectful and I’m over it. Nobody decides the fate of my heart except for me. Luckily, Brian treats me right…he’s so good to me. He makes other guys look like shit. Exes are like a box of chocolates….they seem good on the outside but taste like shit on the inside.

So..school is almost here, I’m absolutely dreading it. I have to buy a new laptop LCD screen because this one broke. I have to buy clothes because I don’t have any. I have to pay my dad what I owe him and yada yada yada all gone.

wherever you want to be.

Brian told me last night that he wanted to go to Africa with me. Its 2,200 and there is apparently a LOT to do. I have wanted to go to Africa for so long. I want to help stop AIDS in the country and make their lives a little bit better. We need to be thankful for what we have and we also need to help out our fellow human beings. Its time to stop being so damn selfish. Life is not about designer shoes and the best cars, whatever. Life is about making the best possible effort out of the cards you’ve been dealt, and in my opinion, that means helping out others. I really hope we’ll be able to go, I already have so many things in my head that I’d love to do, as well as seeing the wildlife. I plan on purchasing mosquito netting for some of the villages as well as blankets and clothing. I realize that this is a big goal, but nobody ever said it would be easy. There are people suffering for no reason, and if I can do anything to stop it, if even for a day, then thats what I will do.

Brian said we have to get malaria shots. :[ Damn insects.

marriage counseling = my life.

I know about divorce first hand. My parents split when I was 2 years old. I always have this fear that I’m going to ruin my relationships because of them. I just want other people to realize how painful it is to sit there and say you’ll commit to a relationship and then throw it all away. Its selfish. I would never do that to Brian or to my kids. I’ve had to live in poverty and without a mother or a mother figure in my life for 16 years (I’m 18) and everyone always says “Where does your mom live?” or “Where does your mom work” and its like..I feel stupid saying that they’re divorced. Its a part of my life I dont want anyone to know about. She doesnt deserve that much. I hope that I don’t just counsel husbands and wives, but their kids too. Kids need the most counseling, I really hope I get to work with the whole family so they can not only see what they’re doing to each other, but their kids too. Divorce affects everyone..

jungle fever.

Why am I so obsessed with tattoos? I see some random ass person with them and freak out. I donno, I just love them. I think I’d be heartbroken if I had to stop getting them. I have 4 tattoos in mind right now. A massive guardian angel on my back, very similar to David Beckham’s, Starry Nights as a half sleeve on my left arm, two cherub angels, one on each wrist, and stargazer lilies on my feet. They all represent something, because it would be stupid to get something like Winnie the friggin Pooh unless it meant something amazing to you.

The two I have now are the Coheed and Cambria bloody dragonfly. This was my first that I got at 17. I begged my dad for it for a few months and he finally gave in. It signifies a very dark time in my life, but also how I was able to pull myself out of it. I was in a depression since the 6th grade when some guy in my grade tried to rape me. I became a cutter and drug addict because of it. The second one I have is a chest piece. It’s the old USAF symbol with a twist on the wings and it says over it “My Airman, My Heart.” Brian bought this one for me for my 18th birthday. Its a dedication to him and our love and a constant reminder to both of us how far we’ve come and the great things we’ve accomplished, and the very fact that our love has blown up walls and built bridges in their place..its amazing. We’re soul mates. He’s everything to me.

The guardian angel is the tattoo I am going to get after I finish my journey in becoming Catholic. It’s been a very long process so far. I expect this to get done in March or April.

The Starry Nights sleeve is for me. There is going to be a quote on it by the very artist himself, Vincent Van Gogh, “I am not an adventurer by choice but by fate.” This tattoo represents my hopes, dreams, my flaws…this tattoo represents me. The painting itself is a masterpiece. It brings me to a place I could not even imagine was real. It gives me hope.

The two cherub angels are going on each wrist. These are for my grandparents. I lost my grandfather a couple weeks before I turned 16, and my grandmother has been the closest thing to a mother I’ve ever had.

Finally, the stargazer lilies on my feet represent beauty, faith, truth, and love. Stargazers remind me to be true to my own beauty that I hold inside and stop being afraid because I am different, or I look different or whatever. Stargazers remind me to love myself.

I will never be able to give blood at this rate.

<3

when you were young.

Today I spent the day with Kate. It made me realize how crazy life has gotten. She’s divorcing some asshole and she’s only 18. I donno, it just makes me sad. Why can’t Scott just be a good man? When did it become acceptable to treat someone like shit? I’ve figured out that I am pretty much the mother of all my friends. I don’t drink all night or party or anything like that. Sure, I’m 18, but I am not the same girl I used to be. Before, I’d get plastered until 3am, and now its just go to work, come home, spend time with Brian and be the Dear Abby for my friends. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love doing all that, but I feel like its become a waste to help my friends out with their problems. It seems like they’re all stuck in high school mode, and all the drama that comes with it. Its time to grow up, like it or not, you’re just not 16 anymore. They aren’t going to change no matter what advice you give them. Am I going in to the correct career field? Marriage counseling. Jesus. Last night Brian and I went to the movies and then we went bowling. It was the most fun I’ve had in a long time..with anyone. Brian gets me, he’s pretty much the only person who gets me, and I like to think I am the only person who gets him. Its strange how two people can be so connected. Its kind of freakishly romantic. Anyway, I wish more couples were like us. We play this game called “how long” where we try to determine how long people look like they’ll be together. Its a really sadistic game, and I have no idea how it got started but the sad truth is, we hardly see any lifers. What ever happened to falling in love and staying in love?

What ever happened to fidelity and trustworthiness?

Love will never be the same.

this isn’t a race.

When I was a little girl, the only reason I went to church was because it was free for my dad to leave us somewhere for 4 hours. It was a southern Baptist church but nobody was really religious. My Mormon friend Geri, well, her family was strict. They were the only LDS family in town, but all I knew about them was that they couldn’t play on Sundays and they couldn’t eat ham or some shit. Anyway, so thats how I grew up, not giving a damn about religion. As I became a teenager I kind of fled the religious scene. I didn’t believe I needed a “God” to worship to and I didn’t need anyone telling me how to live my life. In my eyes, I was my own God and I didn’t give a shit what anyone thought. I was a rebel, pot smoking, drinking, athiest hippy who sat in my room listening to anti-government music and seeing which of my friends would let me spray cologne on them and light them on fire. Who needed God when you had punk rock and weed?

Eh, I did. I guess. I moved to Henderson, Nevada which was full o’ Mormons and they pulled me in like ugly magnets to a refrigerator. I cheated my way through the baptism pretending I understood all that bullshit about Joseph Smith when in reality I just wanted to get these people to stop talking to me. Less than 1 year after being “baptized” I left the church. They’re nice people, but they’re not very sane.

So here I am now, needing a God more than ever, becoming a Catholic and not rushing it so I understand it. But that rebellious part of me still believes that maybe God doesnt exist. The reason I say this is because of all the shit thats happened. I lost my mother when I was two years old, my grandfather died horribly fucking screaming in the hospital, I’ve managed to fuck up lives I never believed I would and its just….you know…am I paying for it all God? Am I being punished for some shit that I did when I was younger? Why, if there is a God out there who loves me as His child, why would he want me to hurt like I do? Thats some fucked up shit.

Or maybe everything happens for a reason and the good will come later.

In any case, I haven’t given up yet, I don’t intend to either god dammit.

<3